Infidelity
by Loving Last
Summary: The aftermath of betrayal and learning to trust and love again.
1. Chapter 1

**One**

She was sleeping. She hadn't been sleeping well the past few days, keeping him up with nightmares she couldn't recall upon waking. His alarm went off and he rolled over, pulled her into his arms. Pressed a kiss against her neck. Murmured "I love you" into her silver blonde hair. How it smelled like moonlight still baffled him, even after all these years.

She ignored him. She was still hurt and still angry. She feigned sleep.

He murmured those three little words once again and she finally responded with a grunt.

With a sigh he pulled himself up from the bed to get ready. He returned some time later, announcing that the lights were coming on. She grunted again in response.

The lights came on violently and she turned over in his bed. She heard him sigh in defeat, shuffle around some clothing. Then, silence.

With a great deal of effort she turned over in bed to face him, opening one bleary eye. All anger melted away when she saw the look on his face.

"You still love me, right?" He asked when their eyes made contact.

She nodded in response. He still sat there in silence.

"Come here," her voice was soft, gentle.

He trudged over, tail between his legs. He knelt next to the bed and rested his head on her chest, sad and ashamed.

"Do you want to talk?"

"Kinda."

"Talk."

"I'm sad too," he whispered.

"I know," she whispered back.

"I'm really sorry, Usako."

She brushed a hand over his cheek, over his head, settled it on his neck, thumb rubbing behind his ear, "I know you are."

"I promise you I didn't sleep with her. I love you too much. I wouldn't do that."

"But you brought her back to your apartment." A tear slipped out.

"I know. And that is unforgivable," he bowed his head in shame.

They passed a few moments in silence. She continued to rub his neck. He wronged her in a terrible way, but she still couldn't stand seeing him in so much pain. It made her feel guilty. He turned his head, pressed his cheek against her hand. She could feel his desperation in the movement.

"You're human."

A dry, humourless chuckle, "I don't want to be."

"You see her every day, you were drinking, you haven't seen me in a long time, and you were unhappy." Reasons, not excuses.

"I should have told you. I shouldn't have let things go so far…I just kept thinking everything would snap back to the way before and it would all be okay."

Yes. He should have told her.

Silent tears made their way out as they continued to share each other's pain. How could she still treat him with such tenderness?

"I'm sorry I made you so sad."

He frowned at her and closed his eyes, shook his head. He didn't like her apologizing for his mistake, but she couldn't help it.

"I don't love you any less, Mamoru. I just don't trust you any more," her voice broke but she was determined not to cry.

He nodded his head. She couldn't even say his name anymore, reverting back to formalities, "I understand."

A brief, sweet kiss and he was gone.

Thank you for reading this story! After reading Sailor Moon fanfics for over 15 years, I finally decided to try my hand at writing. All feedback welcome!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Thank you so far for the reviews! I really very much appreciate it :) Just to warn you, the way I am writing this story is in memories and flashbacks. Please keep this in mind as you read because they will not be in chronological order. Everything links together in the end, promise.

Thank you **hani-licious** and **witchhazelmoon** for the follows! Thank you again **witchhazelmoon, rubyalix,** and **TropicalRemix** for the reviews as well!

*** There is cussing in this chapter.

Enjoy!

**Two**

"Usako, come over here. I want you to meet my coworkers," he called out to her with a smile.

She quickly stuffed a cocktail shrimp in her mouth and made her way through the small group, beer in hand. _Damn, should have grabbed some chips too._ They were tailgating at some college football event that she honestly had no interest in. Plus, she was freezing. She was bundled up with two pairs of leggings, a tank top, T-shirt, cardigan, peacoat, and scarf. She shouldn't be dressed like she was at home in San Francisco. She was in San Diego.

Usagi greeted the coworkers with whom she hadn't met yet with a warm smile and hand shake. She offered a polite, "Very nice to meet you," followed by, "I'm just here to visit for the New Year."

"This is Stella." Stella was tall, taller than her (which really wasn't that hard), slim, and not unpretty. She was dressed casually – jeans, T-shirt, hoodie. She had nice skin, a light smattering of freckles, and that fair skinned, chocolate-y hair colouring unique to those of Eurasian descent.

"Usagi, it's so nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you," Stella greeted warmly.

"Hi, Stella, nice to meet you too," she said, offering her the same routine as his previous coworkers. When she shook her hand she noticed the watch - a large quartz face, gold trim and hands, and a simple brown leather band. She gasped, "Look! I have the same watch! Mamo-chan just gave it to me for Christmas."

They held their wrists up together and looked. Indeed they were the exact same watch except hers had rose gold trim with a charcoal leather band. "I like this because it has a large face, and it isn't too feminine, but the band is feminine. It's not too girly, I think he did a really good job picking this out."

Stella grinned back, "Oh I love it too! I'm thinking about getting it in black!"

Suddenly Usagi whirled around, teasing him, "Mamo-chan! Is this why you got me this watch?"

He looked down at the two girls' wrists and rubbed a sheepish hand through his dark locks, "Hah! I didn't realize. Maybe subconsciously I remembered that Stella had it and that's why I thought you would like it."

Usagi made an unimpressed noise and dismissed him, turned back to Stella to get to know her and made small talk.

"Do you like her?" Mamoru asked. "She's my best friend at work."

Usagi snorted, "Who _isn't_ your best friend at work?" He had this annoying habit of saying how this so and so was his favorite, and that so and so was his best friend. Really. Annoying.

"No, she's my real best friend. The other guys are just my friends."

"Hm. Yeah, okay. She seems nice."

He was really happy. Also really buzzed. "I really wanted you to meet her. I feel like you two would get along really well."

And they did. She talked with Stella and her boyfriend almost the entire game and really enjoyed their company. Mamoru bought both her and Stella hot chocolates, which kind of annoyed her but she didn't think anything of it. They were friends. At some point in the night, Mamoru was being overly affectionate and Usagi was getting irritated, but trying to be a good sport about it. She hated drunk Mamrou, he man-handled her too much, his gentle touches were gentle no longer, more rough. A stroke of her cheek always ended up being more of a smack, and a light caress of her chin ended up feeling more like she was being clawed. She looked sheepishly at Stella, embarrassed at getting caught being unpleasant, "He's really drunk. I'm really annoyed." She wasn't sure if it was her imagination or not, but Stella's smiling eyes suddenly seemed to lose their friendliness.

Towards the end of the game he disappeared for a while. Stella got up to look for him and brought him back, "made" him get a bottle of water. Something about the tone of her voice and look on her face didn't sit well with Usagi, but she brushed it off.

After the game, everyone met back up at Mamoru's cousin, Rei's place for drinking games and late night snacks. It wasn't until the second or third shot that Stella handed to Mamoru did she see it – a lingering hand sliding along her boyfriend's waist. Usagi froze. Her blood ran cold and her buzz vanished.

After that, she noticed everything. It didn't matter that it was clear Mamoru only had eyes for Usagi, all she could focus on was how another woman was touching her man. And the bumbling idiot was oblivious. And she was furious. Each touch seemed to last longer and longer, pulled him closer and closer. She could see the way Stella looked at him, and she was furious at the both of them. She heard them in the kitchen, heard him raise his voice angrily, "Will you just stop? You need to stop this now!" He looked over Stella's shoulder and made eye contact with her. Usagi quickly looked away, suddenly embarrassed and uncomfortable, feeling like an intruder.

Stella's advances grew more desperate, going as far as bringing her face inches away from Mamoru's. Usagi didn't know why she didn't do anything. She didn't know why no one noticed, let alone Stella's own boyfriend.

"Okay, I think Mamo-chan's had enough to drink. Come on Mamo-chan, you tired? Let's go to bed," Usagi went over to grab her boyfriend, to corral him to the guest bedroom, but Stella reached him first.

"Okay, I got him," Stella wrapped her arms around him and brought him to the room. Usagi didn't know what to do, so she watched helplessly. When they reached the room, Stella released him and sweetly said, "It's time for you to sleep, mmkay?" She pulled him in for a hug, held his face in her hands and stared into his eyes. Pinched his cheek. As he turned around she wrapped her arms around him from behind, stared at Usagi and leaned in towards his neck, as if to kiss it, then stopped as if realizing what she was doing and in front of who. _Drunk bitch_. Stella ushered him into the room, shoved him and giggled as he fell back on the bed.

_That's it. _"Goodnight!" And with a wide smile, Usagi shut the door in her face.

Mamoru's phone received a text message some time later and a speech bubble popped up.

"From Stella.

Hi. I'm sorry. I'm just crazy about you."

The world seemed to stop, her heart, her lungs, everything. Stopped.

Disbelief couldn't even begin to describe what she was feeling. Neither could anger. Or fury. Or fear. Usagi trembled with this mess of emotions and opened his chat box. Immediate guilt ensued – she was breaking a vow she made to herself years ago – never to go through a significant other's personal objects. But something wasn't right and she needed to know. The drunk fool was out, snoring like a bear with no intention of waking, or being woken up. Stella touched Mamoru as if she'd done it before.

The texts were even worse than she thought. The words blurred together, everything was a jumbled mess in her head.

_I'm crazy about you. _

_The feeling is mutual. _

_Turn that frown upside down. That's my girl._

_I can keep my distance, I feel like I'm causing a lot of chaos in your life right now. _

_No don't do that, I'm beginning to think I want the opposite… _

_Are you awake? My head's all over the place._

And this went on and on and on for a month. They'd been on dates, shared literally every aspect of their lives with each other. Texted first thing in the morning, last person at night. Picture messages, encouraging words. It was like he had another girlfriend. She immediately pushed that thought away.

That last text was sent while Usagi was laying in his bed, early that morning. That last text was sent after a night of fucking his girlfriend.

The betrayal just kept cutting deeper, and deeper. And she felt used. And dirty. And suddenly, very ugly.

Her entire world fell apart, everything she believed she had with Mamoru was suddenly gone. Her body shook violently and she could no longer breathe. Her heart had been ripped out of her chest.

How could this have happened? How could he have let this happen? What did she do wrong?

How could she have been so stupid?

How could she have been so blind?

She put down his phone and hit him. "Mamoru, wake up."

When she didn't get a response she hit him again. Harder. And harder. "Mamoru, what's my name. Say my name."

"I love you, baby."

"No, not baby. What is my name?" She pinched him.

"Ow, babe. Why? Yes I love you." Words slurring together. Usagi knew she was being stupid to wake him up like this. She knew it wouldn't go anywhere with him being this drunk. But she couldn't help herself. "Get up. Get off this bed. You're sleeping on the floor."

She was crying now, shoving at him. Trying to roll him off the bed. "Stop, babe, why are you doing this?"

"God damnit, Mamoru! Say my fucking name. Right now. RIGHT NOW. I can't be near you, get UP."

He lifted his head looked at her and said, "I love you babe. Usa, I love you." And then he was out again.

She wasn't satisfied with that. She didn't believe him. Never in her entire life did she imagine he would ever betray her like this. They belonged together. He was her one, her person, her other half, her soul mate. _Chibi-usa._ She did not die after every incarnation for no reason. She was not reborn to have her heart broken so viciously like this. Destiny brought them together; it was their fate to rule the world.

Or was it their fate to forever be star-crossed? For him to be taken away from her time and time again? Doubt clouded her mind, and she did not like it one bit. Usagi doubted many things, and to suddenly have doubt about her and her Mamo-chan... It was unfathomable.

How could he do this to her?

After hours of crying and going through his entire chat with Stella, Usagi made up her mind.

She was leaving him.

Yikes? All feedback welcome!

P.S. As you can probably tell, this is more of an alternate universe, something I didn't plan on at all. I was going to have this story take place in America and Japan, but changed my mind and decided to base it in California.

P.P.S. (is that how that goes?) I chose the Japanese names to use because I just like them better. I think Usagi has more innocence than Serena does, and with the way I have this planned out… well she is just more of an Usagi than a Serena. Plus, I like how with Japanese, you can see a person's relationship with another person in the way they are addressed. A subtle change from Mamo-chan to Mamoru shows a lot in the change in the relationship. I don't think this same effect can be achieved by using the American names.

P.P.S.S. (?) THANK YOU FOR READING! Author notes will not be this long in future. Pinkie promise.


	3. Chapter 3

I want to thank you all for your reviews and favorites from the last chapter. I'm on a roll (it is also the weekend!) and I was able to update again super soon. Can't promise I will be like this always.

I especially want to thank **SeleneJade **for her very personal review and **hani-licious** for such an insightful one differentiating between emotional and physical/sexual infidelity. Thank you also to **4evaSeddie**, **alitre,** **fanfic08,** **TropicalRemix,** and **Leslie wjack** for reviewing the last chapter, and **xoxdreamrrxox, Music Hybrids, Here'sToTheNight, Immortal****Princessx, **and **lifezeros **for the favorites and follows.

Also want to note that I removed Rei as Mamoru's cousin. I realized it didn't make sense.

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><p><strong>Three<strong>

She isn't sure when exactly she fell for him. There were so many moments that made her heart swell with some unidentifiable emotion. So many moments where one look at him and she was smiling like an idiot. He made her feel like a little girl with a school girl crush on the boy who threw rocks at her. He was playful and sweet and irritating as hell. She adored him.

Granted, they'd met many times before, fallen in love many times before – they just never remembered it.

In this life, this time, it was in college. Little Usagi made it to college, with a lot of help from Ami. It's funny how in every life, Usagi and her friends and soul mate always find each other again. It's funny how in every life, everything ends tragically, with her ultimately sacrificing her own life for the planet she loves, the people she loves.

She remembers when her downfall was, when he was suddenly all she ever thought about. She was with someone else, and she surprisingly felt no guilt or remorse that she had an enormous crush on the boy who lived above her in the dorms, the boy with the dark hair and ocean eyes, and ever infuriating smirk. The boy who she began to spend all her time with, who helped her for hours on homework for classes he wasn't even taking. The boy who waited outside her door to have lunch and dinner with her, who literally threw ice cream at her for dessert. The boy who left post-it's on her desk with stick figure drawings and obnoxious, pig-headed comments. The boy who bought her caramel apples because she mentioned weeks before she loved them, bought her her favorite cereal when he went to the grocery store as a surprise. He memorized everything about her. Maybe it was then that she fell in love. Everyone knew before she did anyway.

Seiya, on the other hand, wasn't very attentive, always flaked on her, saw her maybe once a week even though he lived 5 minutes away. Mamoru hated it, her roommates told her. Mamoru hated how Seiya treated her, and was adamant on how he could treat her better, would treat her better.

They were drinking one night, a Thursday in October seven years ago. _Thirsty Thursdays_. They were in someone's room playing drinking games with their friends and roommates. It might have even been Mamoru's.

At some point they ended up in her room, on her bed. Ann, her roommate was there too. Mamoru was kind of pursuing both of them (and that is an entirely different story), but the entire dorm, Ann included, knew he only had eyes for Usagi. It's one of the reasons why Ann never confided in her that she indeed liked Mamoru too. Ann knew that if she told her, Usagi would have stepped away and let her have him. And she couldn't let that happen. Mamoru had told Ann, what while he liked her, she was the kind of girl he would date and have fun with, but Usagi, she was the girl he would marry. He told everyone that.

Mamoru was sandwiched between the two girls, the three of them laying around in a drunken stupor. Ann suddenly sat up and announced she was going to the bathroom. As soon as she was gone, Mamoru propped himself up with an elbow and looked down at Usagi, her eyes half closed, silver blonde hair fanned out around her head.

"Hey. Tell Seiya I'm sorry," he said.

Usagi opened her eyes lazily, heart starting to hammer in her chest. Suddenly she felt light-headed and dizzy, warm. She tried to play cool, "What? You didn't even do anything." She closed her eyes again.

"Tell Seiya I'm sorry," he insisted. "Tell him I'm sorry, will you? Tell him I'm sorry."

He was so persistent, and continued to go on and on that she finally snapped at him, heart beat back to normal, "God, fine, I will tell him you're sorry. You didn't even do anything though, Mamo-chan."

And then he kissed her.

She was stunned and pleased; mostly stunned. Her heart leapt out of her chest and fireworks exploded in her ears and behind her eyes. Her body hummed and she felt things she had never felt before in a single kiss, in her heart, in her body. She was on fire. He pulled away and looked into her eyes before pressing his lips to hers again.

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><p>The kiss was probably only a minute or two, but the memory of it is seared into her mind.<p>

When she thinks about it, it's like she's falling in love all over again.

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><p>Thank you again for reading! All feedback, as always, is welcome :)<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Whew! Another one done!

I hope the chapters haven't been too hard to follow because I am jumping around in the timeline. It's just how my brain is organizing it. Actually, I'm putting out a warning. I might rearrange the chapters after this one, because now I'm realizing things are more chronological than I thought. Yikes? Sorry!

Thank you again for the reviews from last chapter **alitre **and** SeleneJade**!

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>Four<strong>

She was up early. Like 8 am early, entirely not like her. She had maybe 3 hours of sleep the previous night, after her new discovery. Usagi decided she would confront him, give him a chance to tell the truth. Give him the benefit of the doubt. _He is a good man._ If she found him lying… she hoped she wouldn't have to find that out.

They still had to leave San Diego and get back to his apartment in Long Beach. That would be a long drive home. Does she confront him now, at his cousin's house before they leave? Or wait until after they get back to his place? She couldn't bring it up in the car since one of his coworkers carpooled with them down for the football game. Well she _could_, and then it would be uncomfortable for everyone.

She mused over that for a moment.

She decided to wake him, tell him she wasn't feeling well, and that she wanted to go home – ASAP. She agonized whether or not to wake him up this early, or try to go back to sleep for a while; it was a three hour drive back after all, he'd need his sleep.

Usagi settled back down onto the bed, listening to his slow, deep breathing. Her heart ached. So much. She tried to match his breathing, thinking it would help put her back to sleep. She did that some times. It didn't work; her heart was throbbing too painfully in her chest.

She didn't know who she was kidding, something happened between Mamoru and Stella, the proof was right there. She read it, she sent it to her friends, talked it over. Rei-chan and Umino-chan wanted her to leave him, and her roommates wanted her to talk to him about it. Minako-chan wanted her to leave him too, but supported whatever decision she made.

It was going to be a long week. Maybe she could catch an early flight back home to San Francisco, but that would probably cost a fortune. And what would she tell her parents? She couldn't bear for them to think negatively of him, not to mention how embarrassing it would be to admit she wasn't enough for her boyfriend. She could fly back early and maybe stay with a friend until the day she was supposed to be home, and have them drop her off at the airport to be picked up by her parents.

She shook her head in disbelief at how absurd that plan was.

Usagi texted a Naru, a friend of hers from grade school, and her roommate from her senior year of college, asking if she could stay with them a few days because she and Mamoru were having problems. She felt relief and knew she could count on them when they both said they would prepare their guest rooms that night. _Am I really going to do this?_ _Leave him? I can't believe this is happening. That it happened at all._ Resolved that she would stay with a friend for the week, she decided that as soon as they got back to his apartment, she would pack up her things. She'd get a ride or make him drop her off.

She was nervous but she didn't know why. Her body felt hot and her heart was pounding uncomfortably, blood rushing through her ears. The clock read 9:30 am, a good time for him to wake up.

"Mamo-chan," she said quietly. "I want to go home, Mamo-chan. I don't feel well."

He grunted at her.

"Mamo-chan," she tried again and nudged him. "Can you get up? I want to leave. I want to go home I really don't feel well."

"Okay, five minutes," he said.

"Okay." She lay back down next to him, and wiggled out of his grasp when he tried to hold her.

He forced himself awake and looked at her. She rolled onto her side to face the wall. She couldn't look at him.

"Hey," he frowned. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. Go back to sleep." She lost her nerve.

He sat up and looked down at her, "What's wrong?"

She rolled onto her back to look up at him, she couldn't even fake a smile. "Can we go home soon? I don't feel well, I want to leave."

He continued to frown, tried to hold her hand and failed. "What is it?"

After a long while she asked in a quiet voice, "Is there something going on between you and Stella?"

"What? No! Why would you say such a thing?" he was in disbelief.

She stared at him and he stared back. Her voice broke, "There's nothing going on between you two?"

"No, Usako. There's nothing going on."

She continued to stare at him, heart breaking all over again.

"Why are you thinking these things?"

"I saw the way she was touching you last night."

He shook his head, "There is nothing going on."

"She was touching you like she's done that before. Did you get her that watch?"

He snorted, "I definitely did _not_ get her that watch."

"Really?"

"Yes. Really. I don't understand what you're trying to get at."

"I want you to be honest with me!"

They stared at each other. She wondered if he wondered if she knew.

He sighed, crossed his legs on the bed and rested his elbows on his knees. "Okay, she may have told me she liked me. That's what you saw last night."

"Do you like her?"

"No, Usa. I wouldn't have brought you here if that was the case. I'll be honest, there were times I entertained the idea, but there is no way I would ever ruin what you and I have."

Tears filled her eyes as she gazed at him. Alarm filled his. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"I did a bad thing, Mamo-chan." And she started to cry.

He tensed and looked down at her in concern, "What is it?"

"Last night she texted you. It popped up on your screen. She said she was crazy about you."

"Okay."

"And after I saw that message, I was really upset. And I went through your phone."

"And?" He relaxed.

"I read your text messages with her. I'm sorry, Mamo-chan, I couldn't help myself."

"That's okay, babe."

"You two are just friends?"

"Yes."

"Did you kiss her?"

He gave a short laugh, "No."

"Really?"

"Really."

"You said she was your favorite," she accused.

He smiled at her, "Yeah, my favorite friend."

She wasn't satisfied but didn't know how to get more out of him.

"Usako, I love _you_. I wouldn't have brought you here if there was anyone else. If there was anything between me and Stella, why on Earth would I bring you here? Introducing you as my girlfriend to everyone? Why would I take you home with me, why would I be bringing you to my parents' house for New Year's Eve?"

"I don't know. To save face? I'm supposed to go on a cruise with you and your family in two weeks. You need me around so things don't look bad."

He laughed and hugged her, "You stupid girl, you know I never care about saving face. I'm not that kind of guy. I love you, only you. You're my one."

She was still crying, she knew there was more and she knew he wasn't telling her something. The text messages between the two of them were recent, as recent as the previous morning while she was still in his bed. What he was saying to her, wasn't matching up to what she saw in his phone.

"You are the only one for me. I love you. I'm so sorry for hurting you, and I can be less friendly. I know I was being inappropriate."

"You were saying things to her that you used to say to me. I don't believe you."

"I will do anything for you. I will end my friendship with her, if that is what it takes, if that is what it will take for us."

She shook her head, she was too upset to talk.

"Do you still want this?" he asked.

"I don't know," she cried harder, "I don't trust you anymore."

She saw it on his face, his heart breaking. "Do you still love me?"

"Yeah," she hiccupped. He lay back down and she allowed him to hold her in his arms.

He kissed her forehead, "I love you so much. And I am so sorry."

"Do you still want me?" she asked.

"Of course. Without question."

"I was ready to leave you."

"What?"

"I texted Michi, she said I could stay with her. JoAnn too."

He sighed, she could tell he was sad. Guilt and regret danced briefly across his face, "I don't want you to go."

She started crying again, "I'm really sorry for going through your phone. I feel so terrible about it."

"Why?"

"Because it's an invasion of privacy, and I told myself I would never do such a thing. And I did it."

He gave a sort of sad chuckle, "It's okay, Usako. Don't feel bad."

She'd stay with him, she decided. She didn't spend the past seven years with him to throw it away. If he strayed from their relationship, he must have had a good reason. She must have done something to drive him away. They had such little time together already, they would never be able to work things out if she just left.

"We'll have to talk about this more when we get back to your apartment."

He nodded his head in agreement.

She knew he loved her, she believed him. But she didn't believe that he didn't have feelings for Stella.

They made up for now, temporarily. But it didn't mean she was okay. And he knew it.

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><p>Thank you again for reading! Feedback welcome in any shape or form :)<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you for reviewing **alitre, 4evaSeddie** and **SeleneJade**! Thank you also for the favorites **Heraldo, Syulai, **and **4evaSeddie.**

To be honest, most of the chapters are already written. I'm editing and submitting as I go. But then also do want to make you wait a bit ;)

I also just want this story to be done.

Anyways, please enjoy! (I realized I had a name error in the previous chapter, I fixed it.)

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><p><strong>Five<strong>

She had packed her things when he walked his coworker out, left the jewelry he'd given her on his nightstand; swirly gold earrings, a beautiful little jade pendant, and that awful watch. He and his coworker were gone for maybe 30 or 40 minutes talking, no doubt about her.

_I'm going to leave him_, she decided. Given how fragile their situation was right now, what the hell was he doing out there doing stupid guy talk?

She waited for him on his bed. When he finally came in, he leaned down and gave her a light kiss, then sat down next to her. They sat in silence.

"Do you still want me? Want this?" she asked.

"Yeah, Usa. I do. Do you?"

"It just hurts too much," she pursed her lips and looked down.

"I love you." He reached for her hand and she let him hold it.

"Do you?"

"I do. And I know you're the one for me because, every time I see you I feel it here," He thumped a fist against his heart. He bent his head, pressed a hand against his eyes. His voice broke, "I just, I love you so much it hurts. What we have, what we have is real. I would do anything for you. I just, I can't live without you. And I am so sorry for hurting you."

He fell back against the bed, releasing her hand. He was openly crying now, and her heart hurt to see it. Tears welled up in her eyes as he cried. "A life without you is unthinkable, _unfathomable_. I just," he pressed both hands against his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm scared. I'm scared because I love you so much and our future is so uncertain. We both know we can't do this long distance thing much longer, and clearly it is affecting me a lot. I should have said something but I just kept thinking...I know what I was doing was wrong. I don't know why..."

She laid down and turned on her side to face him, wiped the tears off his face. He watched as her own tears fell. She was quiet. He hugged her. How is it that this life turned out so different than their previous ones? How could it be that their future, their destiny, their fate... Why did it seem so unattainable now?

"I can't imagine a life without you either. I see the end result, and it's always with you," she sniffled.

They lay together awhile, comforting each other with their pain. After some time, when they both had calmed down he changed the subject.

"What do you want to eat?" he asked.

She shrugged.

"Are you hungry?"

"Nah."

"Really?" she couldn't decipher his tone. Disbelief? Concern?

"Yeah. Why?"

"Usually you're nagging me to feed you every 2 or 3 hours, and it's been like five."

"I dunno." Her reply was dull. "Whatever you want to eat, I'm good with."

He eyed her doubtfully. "No preferences?"

"No."

"Come on. Let's go."

As they got up and put on their jackets, Usagi realized, with some bitterness, Mamoru didn't notice that she and her things were ready to go.

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><p>Hate it? Love it? Review please!<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you for reviewing once again **alitre, Leslie wjack, **and **TropicalRemix. **Thank you also for the favorite and follows **BrujitaLuna **and **UsaMamoChibiChiba.**

**TropicalRemix: **Yes. They are in a long distance relationship. I mention it in some earlier chapters, but I'll go through my work again to make sure it's clear. Thanks!

Not sure how exciting this one is. Sorry in advance!

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><p><strong>Six<strong>

Usagi opened her eyes and lay in bed, heart throbbing painfully against her rib cage. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't eat – she had never felt more broken. Mamoru was now at work, while she had to figure out what to do with her time. He had distractions, she had none. She was sad. And bitter.

Her phone LED light was blinking, notifying her of the messages she hadn't yet responded to. Conversations with her friends repeated themselves in her mind.

_He's lying. He will do anything to keep you with him. He wants you on the back burner, his safety net – _Rei-chan

_ Dude. Get out of there. I wouldn't be able to stay there with you – _Umino-chan

_ Whatever you want honey, I will support you. I know it's hard, but I think you need to 100% break up for now… - _Minako-chan

_ You two have been through so much together. You owe it to both of yourselves to talk about this, talk it through. Find out why this happened and how it won't happen again _– Roommates

_You're tough and you've been through a lot of ups and downs in relationships, and you've always been so strong. Whatever the case is, talking about it will help bring both of you clarity _– Naru-chan

He texted her good morning, checking up on her, making sure she ate. She didn't, but said she went back to sleep instead. He sent her a photo of a post-it saying,_ I love you, Usako =(_

She grabbed a notebook and pen off his desk, scribbled, _I love you too_, and sent it back to him. Her resolve to leave was wavering.

He answered back, playful, J_ You didn't ask permission to use my notebook_

_What makes you think it's your notebook? _

_I have a hunch. The blue one sitting at the edge of my bed._

She tried to be playful back, _Are you calling me lazy? _

_In the morning, that's absolutely what I'm saying,_ she could almost hear his teasing voice as she read this text.

_Well, I don't need permission_

_So you admit it that is my notebook!_

Exhausted, she put her phone down. Mina-chan was texting her for updates, gently persuading her to leave him. _Do you want me to call you? Do you need a pep talk?_

_Okay,_ she replied.

Minutes later they were on the phone, and she was sobbing. "I don't understand how he could do this to me. How did this happen? How could he?"

"I know, honey. I know this is hard, and I know you love him."

"I just, I don't want to leave. I don't think I can. Mina-chan, I am so, so sad."

"I know you are. I really think that you can't think straight with him around. You need space and you need to leave. You should break up, give it time. At least for now," Minako was soothing, understanding.

"I don't know…" her voice trailed off.

"It's going to be hard, but I will be with you with every step of the way. I'm here for you, honey. I love you."

"I love you too. I can't believe this is happening. That it happened."

"He's an idiot. We know he will never find someone like you. You know you have a line of boys that would do anything just to talk to you. You'll be okay."

"I don't know. I don't want to leave him," she cried harder. "What the hell was he doing texting her? I was in his fucking bed!"

She calmed down a little, "Okay. I will. My things are packed."

"Good for you, honey."

"I'm going to write him a letter, and I will leave my jewelry, and that watch."

"Okay. Keep me updated. Remember I love you, okay? I'm here for you." And with that the two of them hung up.

After Usagi wrote her letter, she got up and showered. Decided to go to the coffee shop across the street to get out of the apartment and clear her head. She stayed there a few hours, contemplated making him pick her up. She almost wanted him to get home before she did, see the letter she wrote him. Make him hurt, panic, imagine she was gone. But she had the house keys, so that plan obviously wouldn't work. She felt guilty for even thinking such things.

When the sky got dark she finally packed up her things to go. She was rebelling against him. She knew he didn't like it when she walked around in the dark, especially in his neighborhood. While it was nice, it wasn't that nice or entirely safe once the sun went down. _Whatever._

She got back to the apartment, glad she left for a few hours. Felt better, clearer minded. She told Minako she wasn't leaving him, she was going to stay to try to talk things out. She can't do it if she left. Minako wasn't happy with that but wanted to support whatever she was going to do, and for that, she was so grateful. Rei-chan was harsh and aggressive, she wanted her to leave him immediately – she didn't understand.

He was at work, where that girl was. Her anxiety sky rocketed. She wondered if they talked, what they were saying, what they were doing. Did he really mean he would end his friendship with her, to make things work for the two of them?

She lay on his bed and waited for him, but left her things in her bags.

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><p>Reviews make my world go round!<p> 


	7. Chapter 6 point 5

Here's a shortie.

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><p><strong>Six point Five<strong>

They were in the dorms. Or maybe her first apartment. Probably his first apartment. It might have been right after dinner, or right after lunch. Either way, she remembers she was furious with him. She remembers they were fighting. About something. The topic escaped her, and she was sure if she asked him now, he wouldn't remember. She was so angry at him, and he was so frustrated with her – it's funny how you can remember the emotions but not the reasons.

She was in the middle of a long tirade, yelling at him, when he suddenly turned around and burst out, "BA-NA-NA!"

He looked like a mad man; his dark hair in every direction, ocean eyes dark and wide. Her anger dissipated as she stared at him, blue eyes in bewilderment, "What?"

He chuckled and she giggled as he tackled her to the bed, tickling her mercilessly. "Ba-na-na!"

Argument and tempers forgotten.

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><p>Thanks in advance for reviewing!<p> 


	8. Chapter 7

Thank you everyone for reviewing, following, and favorite-ing! I'd say names but I have actually lost track of where I left off. Sorry!

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><p><strong>Seven<strong>

They were on his couch watching a comedy when she abruptly ended their comfortable silence.

"I lied."

"What did you lie about?"

"I said I went to the coffee shop and got a sandwich for lunch. I didn't."

He gave a small chuckle. "Why did you lie about that?"

She shrugged, continuing to stare at the TV. "Eh, I don't know."

Another lie.

The reasons ran through her head. _I didn't want to worry you. I didn't want you to feel bad. _

"Well then, what did you eat?"

She could feel his eyes on her, one arm tightened around her waist. "Oh, I just was lazy and kind of slept all day. I lazed around."

And another lie.

_Your betrayal is keeping me from sleeping. From eating. I can't even get myself out of bed anymore. _

When it was clear she wasn't going to talk anymore, he knew the conversation was over.

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><p>Later that night they were in bed, wrapped up in each other's arms. She was still and quiet, and he knew she was thinking about it.<p>

"What did you do all day if you didn't go to the coffee shop?" he asked. He was trying to be light. She could sense his disbelief that for the second day in a row she literally didn't do anything.

"I kinda just laid in bed. Slept on and off," she said. She tried to sound noncommittal. "I couldn't sleep when you left for work this morning, and then fell back asleep around 10. I woke up at 2 and decided to get out of bed."

After some time he asked, "You okay, Usako?" He was looking down at her. She could see how sad and guilty he felt. He tapped her temple lightly, "Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

She shrugged and looked down, snuggled further into him and buried her face into his neck. "I don't know. I'm really sad. And really angry at you."

"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was soft and gentle, understanding.

Another shrug. She was quiet for a long time. There were a lot of things she wanted to talk about. Her sentences were halting when she finally started to talk. She kept her face buried in his neck. She needed to avoid eye contact.

"Your texts to her."

"Yeah?" his voice still soft and gentle.

"Saturday morning, you said your head was all over the place. You wanted to talk to her, while I was in your bed," she couldn't keep the bitterness out of her voice, or the pain. "What did you talk about?" It was a demand, not a question. "I want you to be honest with me."

"Honestly, I was confused," he said. "She had just told me a few days before she liked me, and it just really threw me for a loop. I was confused and wanted to talk to her so we could straighten everything out and get things back to how they were before. I mean you were going to meet her." He took a breath. "Obviously she didn't follow our agreement to be friends."

She continued. "The day before, you said your sister was upset at you. She said, 'why.' You said, 'because you're taken.' She sent you a sad face and you told her to 'turn that frown upside down.' And she did. You said, 'That's my girl.' And she said that you drive her crazy. You said the feeling was mutual." With every word, she could feel her temper building. "It's because of those words you said to her, a day before I came back, I can't believe you when you say that you two are just friends and will be just friends from now on. The things you say to her and the things you say to me don't match up. That's why I don't believe you."

He didn't say anything. Or if he did, she didn't remember.

"I wish I could forget these things. But I can't."

And she continued.

"She was upset with herself and apologized because she told herself she would never act on her feelings, but she did. You said you were sorry too, that you didn't want to make her uncomfortable, and that that wasn't how you wanted things to go down." Her voice trembled with anger and fear, and she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer to her next question. "What. Went. Down? Don't lie to me."

"Nothing went down, I promise you. That was the night she told me she liked me and it surprised me."

"Did you kiss?"

"No. We did not kiss."

"Okay," and with that single word she dismissed him again. She pulled out of his embrace and turned onto her other side. She was so angry, and she was afraid she would hit him if she had to look him in the face.

He was quiet and he remained in the position she left him in, on his side, head propped up with one arm. She could feel him staring at her.

"Go to sleep, Mamoru. You have an early morning tomorrow and you need to work."

He remained silent. She was starting to feel bad for being so cold to him and knew that he was hurting too. She finally turned around and looked at him.

Mamoru gave a sad laugh, "This isn't how I want to go to sleep." He turned onto his stomach, elbows on his pillow, gaze on the wall. She flipped over to match his position.

"A week from Friday we went out and got drinks. We were flirting, and at the end of the night we left the bar holding hands. We came back here -"

"Did she sleep in this bed?!" she hated how her voice was suddenly shrill, on the brink of tears.

"NO. No, Usako. I promise you nothing happened. I fell asleep, and when I woke up she was gone. And that's when she texted me she was sorry."

"You have feelings for her."

She could hear the regret in his voice as he sighed, "I'd be lying if I said there wasn't an infatuation there."

And with those words the tears started. What she'd suspected the past couple days, that he did like that girl, was true. She'd seen the evidence and knew, but hearing it come out of his mouth made it all too real. She turned her head away and collapsed into her pillow.

"I can't fault you for liking her, Mamoru. You can't control who you have feelings for," she sobbed, "but you can control who you hurt."

She drew in a shuddering breath in an attempt to calm down. It worked for a second before her tears started again.

"I forgive you, but I can't forget this. I'm sorry I went through your phone, I feel terrible about it, but," she didn't finish her sentence.

"It's okay. You don't need to apologize for that."

"I'm leaving in a few days. How do I know that this won't happen again? You'll forget about me and give into temptation again. The fact that you've already done it, will make it that much easier for you in future. There's nothing in this room of mine. Nothing to remind you of me. No photos, no posters, no stuffed animals, no paintings. Nothing I've given you is here, and that just tells me, 'Out of sight, out of mind.' "

"I am so sorry for hurting you, babe," She could hear the regret in his voice. She wasn't crying anymore.

"I know you love me. I believe you when you say it to me. But I think you're comfortable and you're used to me, which is fine. I mean, we've been together seven years. I think you're afraid to lose me because I've always been here, and you're afraid to see what life is like if I'm gone. You're comfortable. And I think you will say whatever it takes to keep me with you."

"No, it's not like that. I don't want you thinking I'm with you because I'm comfortable. I love you, so much. I can't live a life without you, I just can't. I don't want you thinking I'm with you out of comfort."

A pause in conversation. "You can't keep texting her the things you are, and you can't buy her little gifts. You can't be so sweet to her. I know you said you will sacrifice your friendship with her, as noble a gesture that is, you see her every day at work and it just isn't feasible. I also will not make that decision for you. It's something that you yourself need to do."

She was calm now, quiet. Her voice firm, hard, resolute. "If I find out this ever happens again, if you start up whatever this is you have with her, if you start it up again, I am leaving you. And I will _never_ come back." She paused. "Is that fair?"

His voice was quiet when he replied, "Yeah. That's fair."

After composing herself she turned back around to face him, stare him in the eyes. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He knew she wanted an explanation.

"You know, I saw her every day, we joked around. We were both vulnerable, both in long distance relationships. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I kept thinking that things would go back to the way they were before, you know the two of us. But they didn't. You were always busy, and all I've ever wanted from you was just a five minute phone call from you to hear your voice. Didn't have to be every day, but it couldn't be once a week as we've been doing. And I've told you that before, in our arguments," he took a breath and paused. "I promise you, Stella and I were just friends. She even helped me pick out your flowers when I told her you wished I would be more thoughtful. I've tried so hard and everything you wanted from me I took to heart. I didn't feel like you did the same. I handled this entire thing wrong, I know I did. I should have talked to you sooner, and brought up how bothered I was. Truthfully, I didn't know how bothered I was until it was too late. But it is no excuse to how I behaved. I am so, so sorry for hurting you."

She took his words in, and realized how selfish and self-centered she'd been. It was true, everything he said was true. _I drove him to this, I drove him away. _And then she was thinking about her best friend, Minako and her ex-boyfriend, Max. Minako had been feeling unappreciated and not a priority, and had shared these feelings with Max several times. Things would get better for a short while then go back to how they were. Eventually, though she cared deeply for him, she began to look elsewhere for comfort. When she finally came clean to Max, he ended things right away. Usagi hated Minako's ex-boyfriend for doing this to her best friend, for being such an ass. Granted, Mina-chan took things much further than Mamoru did, to go as far as sleeping with a few different guys. But still.

Her tears started again when she saw the similarities in her best friend's failed relationship and her own with Mamoru.

"What? Hey, why tears?" Mamoru asked. He drew her into his arms, trying to comfort her. She just cried harder.

"What? Why harder?" he gave a small chuckle as he brushed her tears away, but she could feel the distress in his touch and hear it in his voice.

She rolled onto her back, still in his arms, and turned her face away towards the window. "I'm just thinking about Minako-chan and Max. And how much I hated him, I hated him so much for what he did to her. But I'm Max," she sobbed. "I drove you away, I wasn't listening to you. You did try talking to me, but I didn't listen. I'm Max. I did this to us. It's me, my fault. I'm sorry I wasn't good to you."

He was quiet for so long, and when he finally spoke, she could hear every emotion in his voice. When she turned to look at him once again, she saw the regret, the guilt, and the pain. His voice was low, "Hey. Don't apologize. I don't want you to apologize for _anything_. These were my choices. And I am so sorry for hurting you. I love you so much, and I am so sorry."

She nodded tearfully, sniffled, and allowed him to snuggle her close.

"I'm sorry to keep talking about it, Mamoru."

"It's okay. I know that we're going to be talking about this a lot, and whatever you need to say, I want you to, okay?"

She nodded her head, then whispered, "I just feel a little insecure."

He closed his eyes and frowned, held her tighter.

She believed him. She knew he loved her, still loves her. She knew he felt terrible, and she felt bad to have to keep bringing it up, though it's only been two days. Her heart was thoroughly broken, and she didn't know how to ever get past this.

And she knew that there was no way she could ever leave him, even if she tried.

He looked down on her sadly. She could see he was trying to be strong.

"Is there anything you want to say to me?" She asked gently. He just shook his head in response.

"You know it's okay to be sad, Mamoru. It's okay to cry." She stroked his cheek, wrapped a hand around the back of his neck. He did that upward tilt of his mouth, hiding his frown, wouldn't look her in the eyes. She was so gentle.

"You don't need to talk about it right now. We don't need to talk about it right now. But know that it's okay for you to be sad. And I'm here, and I will listen to you, when you're ready."

He nodded his head. She kissed him on the cheek she was stroking, and they settled down for another unrestful sleep.

When she was sure he was asleep, Usagi slipped out of his arms, grabbed a blanket, and left.

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><p>Nice things, mean things. I want to hear them all!<p>

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><p>** I think we've been together for quite some time now (seveneight chapters) that I think I can be honest, especially since this will be coming to an end soon, 3 or 4 chapters. This story is not entirely fictional, and unfortunately every conversation you have and will be reading, has actually taken place, and all these words have actually been said. These chapters are actually my journal entries; I've only changed the names of the people in it. Last week I found out my boyfriend of 7 years took an office flirtation too far, and while he insists nothing physical happened (and I believe him), my heart isn't any less broken. His infidelity has only highlighted and amplified the issues we have and have been trying to deal with as a long distance couple. These issues must be addressed and fixed before we can progress any further in our relationship. I have no idea what possessed me to turn my private journal entries into an Usa/Mamo story, but I am so glad I did. This whole process of writing and sharing has been extremely therapeutic for me, and to know that someone out there is reading this, and can/may even relate, has made me feel so much less alone. So thank you to my fellow readers and writers for being so supportive, though unknowingly, as I find my way through heartbreak.


	9. Chapter 8

Thank you everyone for all of your kind words and support! It really means a lot. Really want to tell you all what happened, but you will find out soon enough. I don't think updates will be coming as frequently, just fyi.

Thank you also for the reviews and the new follows and favorites :)

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><p><strong>Eight<strong>

He paused in the doorway and watched her. He really made a mess of things and his guilt and shame was overwhelming. How did she manage to stay with him? He didn't think he'd be as forgiving. But coming from Usako, he really shouldn't expect anything less.

Was she asleep? He flipped the lights, saw her squint in response, then quickly flipped them back.

"Sorry, I thought you were awake."

"I am," she said. She huffed her silver bangs out of her eyes.

He turned the lights back on and made his way to sit on the edge of the bed. His mouth was tilted in an upward manner, the kind of expression meant to hide a frown. He looked down at her as she laid in his bed, in his shirt.

"I'm scared," he admitted. He looked like a little boy and her heart ached.

"I am too." How could she know this wouldn't happen again? He worked with the girl, saw her everyday; it made her sick with fear. He hadn't slept with her, but knowing that he harbored some kind of feelings for her made it seem so much worse. He brought her back to his apartment... She couldn't believe he had innocent intentions.

He flopped down on his side, facing away from her. She could see the top of his head. She ran her fingers through his dark hair, stroked his neck, hugged his shoulders, her heart and mind too exhausted to really feel anymore. They laid that way for a couple of minutes in silence.

"What are you afraid of?"

"That things will never be the same."

"They won't be," she paused. She could almost feel the twisting pain in his chest. "They're going to be different," she ammended.

She debated whether or not she should share her next set of thoughts, knowing they would hurt. The angry side of her said she should. He caused her just as much, if not more, pain than he was experiencing. He'd live. She, on the other hand...he destroyed her.

"Mamoru, what we used to have. It's gone now."

His quick intake of breath sparked sympathy. They were both mourning the end of their relationship.

"We're starting something new is all," she soothed, stroked her hands through his hair.

A moment later, he sat back up, "I don't want you to resent me."

"I don't. I won't. I still love you." The look on his face told her he didn't believe her. She pulled him in for a kiss, then turned on her side, dismissing him.

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><p>Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me. Just kidding - leave a review ;)<p> 


	10. Chapter 9

Oop. This came a lot faster than anticipated. It took 3 days to write.

Thank you again to all my readers, reviewers, and followers!

Rated for language.

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><p><strong>Nine<strong>

She was so quiet all the time. It had only been four days, yet everything had changed. They were on their way to his parents' house to celebrate New Year's Eve. They planned to get there early to help his mother with set up since his sister wasn't coming over yet and his father was at work. She couldn't wait to see his family, but she also was really dreading the night. She knew that she'd have to put on a happy face and pretend everything was okay. She didn't know if she could do it – just the idea of it exhausted her.

"You okay?" he asked

"Hm? Yeah, I'm fine. Tired," she replied. Always so quiet.

"You're drifting," he observed.

"What do you mean?"

"Your mind is going off somewhere, you're thinking things."

"Oh. Yeah, I suppose I am," she hummed noncommittally. She pulled her focus from her thoughts and attempted to engage in conversation with him. It was so hard.

They finally arrived at their destination and she struggled to get out of the car. She just felt so weak, like she was paper and would tear and fly away any moment. She moved so _slow_.

_Not sleeping and not eating will do that to you_, she mused.

The hours passed by painfully slow. In moments she had to herself she let the exhaustion take over before putting on a happy face again. She knew he was concerned, but she was too tired to care. She was happy to see his family though; they always welcomed her with open arms.

After dinner was when the drinks came out, and she felt much better then. She played card games with his cousins and sister, laughed and teased and felt more herself. After some time, he came inside to get her because his coworker and his girlfriend arrived. Reluctantly she pulled herself from the game to help play host outside with him.

God, was it cold. So cold that her buzz disappeared and she was back to that all too familiar misery that had been accompanying her the past few days. The countdown happened, she kissed him at midnight, took photos with the family. Oh, how her heart ached. Did it even ache anymore? She was too exhausted to feel anything.

God how she loved him. Loves him. She really could see a happy life with him here. If they could just get past this. If she could just get past this.

She wished the night would end. She was tired and cold and so, so tired. She just wanted to lay down and go to sleep, pass the time away.

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><p>It was 3 am and everyone was asleep, except her. They were in the TV room of his parents' house, him on one couch and she on the other. She just couldn't fall asleep, her mind and body ere awake and they were torturing her. She felt bad that she was so depressed and that it was making him depressed. She felt so bad. So guilty.<p>

At 3:50 am his alarm went off. She waited a moment to see if he'd wake up – he didn't. With a sigh she crossed the short distance to where he was.

"Hey. Mamoru. Your alarm is going off."

"Mm. Mhm." He sat himself, lifted his shirt and scratched his belly.

"Mamoru, do you want me to get the alarm for you? Do you need help?"

"Yes, okay."

"I'm going into your pocket to get your phone. Is that okay?"

"Yes, baby."

She searched his pants, found his phone and shut off the alarm. And she wished now that she didn't. As soon as the alarm window was closed, _their_ text messages popped up. You know, how you're doing something, then something else pops up to cover it? But when you close that second item, the first item was still there?

_Thinking of you : )_ , she said.

She scrolled up the screen and discovered that they were still texting each other. Granted, more things were coming from her than him, but they were still there nonetheless. She saw they were texting each other their morning workout shoes and socks. And as silly a thing it was, she found it too inappropriate, too intimate.

Fury. Cold, black rage consumed her. She threw his phone down on his exposed abdomen, waking him up very rudely.

"Ow! What the fuck?" He exclaimed.

"Good. It should hurt. I'm glad it hurt, you deserve it," she was cold, voice dangerously low.

He just stared at her then got up to use the restroom. When he came back, she was waiting for him on her couch. She had turned on the lamp on the table beside her. As he leaned in to give her a kiss, she drew her hand back and slapped him across his face as hard as she could muster. A loud "smack" resounded through the room, her heart hammering in her chest and hand stinging from the impact. His head was turned to the side from the force.

He stared at her in complete shock.

"It's over. We're done. I'm not doing this anymore."

"What? Babe, Usako, no don't say that." He sat down next to her, tried to hold her.

"Don't you fucking touch me. Don't you fucking call me 'babe,'" she scooted further down the couch. "We are done. I'm done with you."

His voice became panicked, sad, "What? No, please don't say that. Don't say that, please." He was begging. "Why are you saying these things?"

"I fucking saw your phone, Mamoru! You're still texting her! I can't believe you. I can't believe how STUPID I was. How stupid I am. I am so stupid. We are done."

"There is nothing going on with me and her. Usako," his voice broke. "I love YOU. I would crawl to the ends of the earth for you. I love only you."

She was turned away, silent and fuming. After how hurt she had been, how could he possibly still continue any kind of relationship with that girl? And if he was going to, why couldn't he just put it on hold until she was gone? She was only down there for a week, for God's sake! He had no care for her feelings. He was so stupid. Yes, maybe he loved her, but his actions kept on hurting her. He was so stupid.

"I was trying to let her down easy. She knows where we stand, she knows I'm with you and only you. I'm trying to be gentle with her feelings because I know this situation sucks for her." He tried once again to pull her into his arms.

Anger flared up inside her and she started hitting his hands, his arms, his torso, "Don't you fucking touch me, Mamoru."

He sighed heavily and rested his elbows on his knees, bowed his head. She realized with a start that his words were slurred. _Ugh. I'm the stupid one to even bring any of this up now. _She was so stupid to even bring any of this up when he wasn't completely sober. She wondered if he'd remember in the morning she was breaking up with him.

He kept talking, trying a different angle. He was frustrated and getting angry, "You told me yourself! As noble a gesture it is to end my friendship with her, it wasn't feasible because I see her at work all the time. You said that! I stopped saying inappropriate things with her, it is only platonic I swear to you. You read it yourself! What did you see?"

She still wouldn't answer him. She was so angry, and so hurt. She hated him. She was trembling with the onslaught of emotions. Oh, she hated him so much. And she hated herself for letting him do this to her.

When it was clear she wasn't talking, he stood up to go to his side of the couch. He looked over his text messages with her and ripped the battery out of his phone, threw it across the room. He lay down on the couch and turned on his side and, for once, dismissed her.

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><p>Yikes. What is going to happen? :(<p> 


	11. Chapter 10

Thank you all for reading, following, and favorite-ing. Also thank you for your reviews, feedback, and advice. The next chapters are hard to write, so I'm giving you something that's a bit less sad. Enjoy!

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><p><strong>Ten<strong>

They were in bed together after hours of talking. They talked about their past, their future, their present. They talked about everything, things they've talked about before and things they've never shared with anyone. They wanted to get everything out before they went to his parents' house the next day for New Year's Eve.

"We're going to have to break up at some point, you know," he said.

"I know. I don't want to." She curled an arm around his neck

"I don't either. But it needs to be done. It will help give us clarity for what we want, what we need, what we're willing to do for each other." His arms were around her, her head on his chest. "We always come back to each other, we always come back stronger than the last."

She sniffled at the thought of losing him, it just wasn't fair.

"I don't know why we're the only ones who have to go through this. Why no one else has it as hard as us. It's not fair," he was crying now.

She remained strong and held onto him tight. "Because no one loves the way we do."

She sighed, "So what do we do now? Do we break up now? Or do we break up after the cruise with your family in two weeks? Or do we try to tough it out until we absolutely can't anymore?"

He didn't answer.

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><p>After washing up and getting ready for bed they were laying together. She was so sad. She knew he was sad too.<p>

She rolled on top of him and kissed him, sweet, tender. Pressed her hands to his face, slid them down to his neck and then to his shoulders, legs on either side of him. His hands came up around her waist, ran up and down her back.

"Are you in the mood?" He asked.

She just shrugged in response and kissed him again, so bittersweet, so achingly sweet. She could feel him. His hands came up and lifted off her shirt, threw it on the floor.

His went next.

Clothing melted away until skin touched skin. They touched and caressed, pulled and pushed until they soared into the sky becoming stars themselves.

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><p>When they came back down to Earth, and he was in a deep sleep, she curled onto her side and wept.<p>

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><p>Reviews are always appreciated!<p> 


	12. Chapter 11

Thank you everyone for the reviews, favorites, and follows, as always. I have to confess that it's getting harder and harder to write.

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><p><strong>Eleven<strong>

The next morning his mother came in to wake them up.

"Okay, I'm making breakfast now!" she called out cheerfully.

She could hear her putter around the kitchen as she got the meal together. With a groan he turned over, slowly waking up. He peered over his blanket at her and when she made eye contact, he ducked underneath it. It was a game they always played - peekaboo. He peered at her again and ducked underneath his blanket when she looked over.

She just couldn't enjoy it after last night. Reluctantly he got up and sat down next to her, hands in his lap.

"You hit me last night," he said in disbelief, almost laughing.

"Yeah."

"Like, really hard."

"I was really mad."

"You hated me."

"I did last night," she confirmed.

"You had a lot of anger pent up."

"Yeah. I think I did." She was a little embarrassed. "I'm not really sorry. I'm sorry."

He gave a nervous laugh, "It's okay."

His mother came in and interrupted them. "Time for breakfast!"

When she left they stared at each other. "I love you," he said. "Clearly there is a misunderstanding here, we had different expectations."

His mother came back in with a pout, "Come on! I want Usagi to try my corned beef hash!"

He rolled his eyes.

"We're going to have to do this later," she said.

He nodded his head in assent.

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><p>They were in the car driving to his sister's place, both were silent.<p>

"Do you want to talk?" he asked.

She shrugged her shoulders. They drove in silence a couple more miles before she finally spoke, her head was turned away, facing the window, body limp with exhaustion.

"I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm so sad. And angry. I feel like I don't even know you." She lifted her hands up helplessly. "And I feel stupid, really stupid. I mean you're texting her at 4 in the morning about your stupid work out stuff! How would you feel if I was doing that with any of my friends? I don't talk to anyone the way you talk to her."

"Babe. My coworkers and I, there's a whole group of us that work out together." He pulled up another chat with another coworker showing that they sent each other picture messages of their way to the gym.

"Okay. That's fine. But you and Stella send each other pictures of your workout clothes. I find that extremely inappropriate and entirely too intimate."

He didn't say anything. Or maybe he did. She can't remember.

"What upsets me the most is that you have feelings for her. I can't fault you for that, I understand. But you've given her a piece of yourself, of your heart. And it scares me because that is a part of you that I will never get back. I know you can't help it but..."

He sighed. "She does not have my heart. Not any part of it. I love YOU. I did not give her any part of myself. I can forget her, push her out of my mind easily. She is not a factor."

She couldn't answer. They pulled up in front of his sister's apartment complex. Once they were parked, she heard him unbuckle his seat belt and turn to face her. She continued to stare out the window.

"I just. I don't know you. I don't understand how any of this could have happened. I," her voice faltered. "I don't feel pretty anymore. I don't feel wanted." She took a moment to collect herself, but failed.

"I just don't understand how you did it," she sobbed, dropping her head into her hands. "I could NEVER."

Her sobs filled the car, suffocating them both. She felt his hand on her back, tug at her arm. Her tear stricken face turned towards him as he grasped her chin gently.

"You are so beautiful," he said softly. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." His voice broke. "To know that I have made you question yourself, to make you question your own worth, I am so, so sorry." He sobbed, completely lost it. "I'm sorry, I've been trying to stay strong and hold it together because I knew how much you were hurting, how much I hurt you. I just - "

She unbuckled her seat belt and reached over to him, pulled his head against her chest and stroked him, trying to comfort him. He brought a hand up to his eyes and cried. She could feel his shame, his guilt, his regret.

He composed himself some minutes later.

"Do you still love me?" he asked.

"Yes. I love you."

"You don't look at me the same anymore," he said.

"I know. It just. It hurts too much," she looked away.

"I know. I can see it in your eyes. And I can see when you're thinking about it. I can see everything. You get a far away look and I know you're gone."

She couldn't say anything because it was true.

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><p>review please!<p> 


	13. Chapter 11-2

In case you haven't noticed, I've been breaking up thhe heavy stuff with memories.

Thank you for your reviews, favorites, follows, and support!

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><p><strong>Eleventy-Two<strong>

It was the first time they had broken up. It was their second year of college and they had so many things they needed to figure out.

For one, she didn't trust him. After the entire ordeal between him and her roommate, Ann, she just didn't trust him.

Second, he wasn't treating her well. He didn't know how to balance school, work, family, friends, and a relationship, and it was finally taking a toll on them a year later.

She came back to his apartment after classes one day to find all of his childhood best friends, his brothers, sitting with him in front of the TV. The mood was grim. He wouldn't tell her what was going on. Even after when he would break down crying randomly throughout the day. For two weeks.

She figured it out on her own though. She ran through their conversations in her head, went over them with her roommates before she finally figured it out. His mother had breast cancer.

She waited for him to tell her, to confirm what she already knew. She was hurt and angry. They were supposed to love each other, but he hid something this big from her. The fact that his friends drove 2 hours to visit him for a weekend, and he still refused to tell her anything, for two weeks. To say it stung would be an understatement.

They broke up. It was hard and it was painful and she was firm. They were both in tears, hugging and kissing, before she finally tore herself away and went back to her own apartment.

A month or two later they both were at a party. They had both been drinking and she was dancing with him. She wanted him back. She missed him. She hoped to seduce him back to her apartment, make him remember what he was missing. She missed him so much.

She pressed her forehead against his, tried to kiss him, but every time he turned his head away.

Finally she said with hurt and frustration, "Why?"

He just gave her a sad smile, "I just love you too much."

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><p>Review please?<p> 


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